Misery & Sadness

I'd like to pray but I can't
Maybe when I see the Son again
The sky is black by the throws of your bows
And they’re all aimed at my vitals
I'd like to pray but I can't
Maybe when I see the Son again, maybe then
When will Your love come back to me?
Though I wish that You were not with me

I dread my past and where it has placed me
I look in the mirror and all I feel is hatred
What did I do to make You hate me so violently?

My free will would choose
To hang You again
For all the pain and hardship
I’ve endured at Your hands

What am I saying?
I’m an ingrate. Blasphemous
And pathetic. So pathetic
God, leave me I am so
Weak and pathetic
Unworthy of Your presence
My past speaks, and it speaks truth
That I’m far too depraved
Too bad even to seem good
That I don’t have a future
And much less stand before You

Count it all joy
Let it build you up
But not this, how can it?
I’ll end my life and
You can't stop it

O' self you died
Trying to comfort in someone else
My despair is oceans deep
You were supposed to wash me clean
What happened?

You’re always preaching to yourself some kind
Of gospel. It will be true gospel of the Lord
Jesus Christ that will encourage and comfort your heart
Or it will be some anti-gospel
A gospel of poverty and aloneness
And weakness and doom

My heart is faint
My eyes filled with sorrow
I take pills to sleep
And I hold contempt for the morrow

My heart is faint
My eyes drip with sorrow
I drink myself to sleep
And I hold contempt for the morrow

What happened?
How did I end up like this?
I know you see me and Your eyes are flaming
And You’re not blinking

Oh God, You know the truth
I can barely stand to even look at you
But I have no one else to throw myself into
Is this the punishment I reap
For fornicating at fifteen?
Or is this what I get as payback
For being a selfish and prideful scumbag?
I feel so damn accused, and I can't shake it
Your wrath burns hot, and I lay empty
I have scrubbed hard, my hands are bleeding
All just to grind my stains in deeply

Do You hold my sins against me?
See, here’s what religion will tell you
‘Clean it up, scrub it out’
How many of you tried that?
Scrub really hard, to make sure
That you grind the stain in deep
All you were trying to do was clean yourself up
And all you did was make the stain bigger